For the first time in my life, I’m not attempting to write my “story” for someone else or to fill some would-be void. I’m writing it because I am tired of talking about it and tired of trying to explain it to every new person I meet. So, I don’t want anyone to think this is going to be filled with oh poor pitiful me anecdotes. Honestly, life has been great for me. I have been and continue to be blessed beyond anything I deserve. God is good. However, there is one aspect of my life that has not been easy and it’s amazing how I have allowed one issue to control so much of my life. It is my biggest regret and the only regret I have worth mentioning.
Now, at this point I am going to go ahead and kill the suspense. You don’t have to flip to the end of this paper and locate the big climax. Here it is: I was born intersex. “Intersex” is a general term used for a variety of conditions in which a person is born with a reproductive or sexual anatomy that doesn’t seem to fit the typical definitions of female or male. There are many different types of intersex conditions. Mine is my own and I have felt a desire to go public with this knowledge for a long time. I want to help educate anyone who wants to learn about my experiences, the heartaches involved and eventual triumph. Yes, this story has a happy ending.
In 2015 I completed my first album. The first eight songs tell my story. I wanted to publish some sort of documentation with the album to help explain the songs but it proved to be too much and so I just released the album. Those who listened to the album thought I was extremely depressed and suicidal. Maybe at some point in writing those songs I was but I assure you that I am no longer in that state of mind. I truly hope and pray that what I want the reader to learn and understand comes across as clearly as possible. This is not easy and I am already ready for it to be over.
Color Blind
My album starts off with a song titled “Color Blind.” The song sets the stage for the rest of the story and it was the last song in the story line that I wrote. I needed a song to get things started and as it turns out it has become my favorite song on the album.
Why do you criticize?
Humiliate my desires
Tell me I’ll never survive in a world
That Scorns the weak
As a child, I was told that I was born with cancer or cancerous cells and had to have a complete hysterectomy. This procedure was done at the age of three. I had no reason to question the explanation as to why I couldn’t have children. My father was not my biological father but I loved him just the same. I knew that someday I could adopt if I felt inclined to do so and be perfectly happy. What I did not understand was why my mother was so hard on me and so very adamant that I not be a “tomboy.” I remember my parents having discussions, because they rarely argued, about my dad wanting to buy me a hot wheel’s car for Christmas and mom putting her foot down. It wasn’t appropriate for little girls. What was so confusing was the fact that in my neighborhood they had other little girls who were tomboyish and it was only seen as a phase. I remember hearing, “oh, she will grow out of it” when referring to other girls but my mom would overreact when it came to me. She would tell me I would never survive if I didn’t learn to be a strong woman. I started to think I was weak. The walls were being built and my insecurities began to take control.
Walls are paper thin
Conversations don't make sense
Explanation and memories contradict
I dare not ask why
A constant souvenir
Within your scheme of fear
Guarantee the lofty walls
No one can see inside
As I got older I began to remember trips to the hospital at the age of 3 and questioning the explanations given to me as to why I had the surgery. Certain things did not add up but when I would ask I was met with a very angry and abrupt reply.
After my mom passed away in 1991 I began to explore my feelings a little more freely. At this point in my life, I had never told anyone that I was not attracted to men. Being raised in a small Baptist church, being gay was not an option. I had a few boyfriends that I tried not to be gay with but that never lasted long or went very far (sorry guys, it wasn’t you. It was all me). Now I was in college with no boundaries or no one watching over me so I began to venture out. I met a young lady my senior year of college and from the first time we kissed I knew I was a “lesbian” or so I thought. I spent the rest of my 20’s in an out of relationships trying to hide from the public that I was gay even though most people assumed I was. However, something else was bothering me and always had. I knew girls who were taller than me, more athletic that I was but still had a very female quality about them. I never felt that. I felt so out of place. It drove me crazy. I didn’t feel that I was a man but I never felt that I was a woman either.
When I reached my 30’s I felt it was time to come out to a family member. I called my cousin and told her I was gay and her reply was very much unexpected. She said, “Barbara, I don’t believe you are. We need to talk.” I went to her house that night and we began to share what we remembered about my childhood and my surgery. I wasn’t crazy after all. I wasn’t the only person in the family that questioned the story told to me. I made an appointment with my family doctor and questioned him about how I felt. He recommended we do a chromosome analysis check to see if I had any abnormalities. After 3 trips to the lab and 8 vials of blood extracted from my body the test results finally came back. I had XY chromosomes. For those who don’t know girls have XX and boys have XY. Now, I am not going to attempt to go into all the different forms of Chromosome abnormalities or the many different types of intersexed conditions. A good google search will quickly generate a plethora of information.
It felt like with every question answered it would generate 3 or 4 new questions. Ok, I’m intersexed, I have XY chromosomes but why and what does that mean? Was I supposed to be a boy? How much of a girl am I? Did I cheat in athletics all those years? The first few questions I still don’t have an answer for but the last question I did get an answer for. My doctor was surprised I was even able to be in athletics with all the ways my body was forced to change in my early life. Not to mention there are female athletes that I played with and against that were far better athletes than me. So, I was thankful to hear that I had no “advantage” over any other female athletes.
You selfish child why do you cry
Just go on and live your life
What you feel deep inside
Was a gift to normalize
You will never have to hide
We cut the line that will divide
With this messy blade of mine
We’ve made them all color blind
Some doctors went out of their way to help me figure out who or what I am. However, most doctors didn’t understand why I was so upset. In their minds, I was born deformed and doctors came to the rescue and made me one sided. They created a line to divide the male and female but what they didn’t realize is that no amount of surgery can make anyone feel a certain way. Cut all they like I was still intersexed. I didn’t feel male or female. I still don’t. They tried and some still try to make everything black and white. In my world there is no such thing.
Too late to clarify
The light is gone from her eyes
Anger now resides...in a place
That love once embraced
At the end of “Color Blind” I had found out I was intersexed and had no direction. I was angry at my mom because she was no longer here to clarify anything. Family members had some knowledge but no real answers. The struggle became very real.
Secret to the Grave
How could you look at me
And never say a thing
The hour slips away
You always wanted me
To be anything
Except for what I am
I tried and I cried
You don't know how hard I tried
To live the lie
And I prayed God knows that I prayed
I wanted to hear you say
I'm proud of you
How was I supposed to know
When I let you go
Something hidden away
Secret to the Grave
To say I was angry would have been an understatement. How could my mom take such a huge secret to the grave? How could she NOT tell me? I started thinking about how hard she was on me to be a “little girl” and she knew I was fighting an almost impossible battle. It seemed no matter how hard I tried I never heard her say, "I’m proud of you." I always knew there was a disconnect between me and my mother but I could never figure out why. Now it all made sense.
You left me alone
To try and find my place
Was I your disgrace
Is that the reason why
You felt you had to lie
And tuck me away
I wonder what did you see
When you looked at me
Can you still see what they did to me
Was I even close to your dream
Or did you find
When you looked into my eyes
The Child left behind
Secret to the Grave
The more I researched and tried to educate myself the more questions I had for my mom. Was she ashamed of me? What did she think of me? Did she really see me for who or what I am, or did she see who she wanted me to be?
You can’t take the blame
On all decisions made
You didn’t start the lie
But the guilt that bled my soul
And the sins that took control
Were never meant for me
If you had your way
God would’ve taken us away
And released this burden you face
It’s not what you had in mind
Or God left us all behind
But for you Judgment day came
And it's ok
Now that you've gone away
My Demons have taken your place
Secret to the Grave
As upset and confused as I was I knew that my mom didn’t come up with this on her own. She was making decisions from the information given to her by the doctors. “We will make her a girl, tell her she is a girl, feed her female hormones and buy her girly things. She will never know the difference.” However, it didn’t change that fact that the guilt that bled my soul (trying not to be gay) and the sins that took control (giving into being gay) were not meant for me. It should not have been my battle. I realize that this situation was tough for my mother as well. My mother told my aunt that she wanted the rapture to come before she had to tell me the truth. In a way, she got her wish. God called her home.
Gaze
Constant scream
The eternal dream
The fight for knowledge
Brings me here
So much pain
Thoughts are insane
The craving of silence
Brings me here
It took several years of soul searching, praying and researching before I began to learn how to deal with being intersexed. I went through every emotion possible: Hurt, anger, thoughts of not wanting to live and desolation. My search for knowledge and understanding were driving me insane. Like I said before, the more I learned the more questions I had. One of the main questions is where do I fit in God’s plan? Being a Christian and trying to live by God’s word became my biggest struggle. I have never been one to say I want it all to end. I have never wanted to die. However, I now understand how people get to that point. It’s not that I wanted to die; I just didn’t care to live. I remember one day I was standing in my office staring out of a window. I was numb. I was probably at my lowest breaking point. I heard a voice behind me. I turned around and a friend had brought me a latte from a local coffee shop she worked at. She had stopped by to check on me. It was the little nudge I needed to come back to reality. To this day I think God sent her to my office. He always knows what’s up.
A light in the dark
A familiar voice
Hope is not lost
You found it once
Try to escape
To that magical place
It’s not in a gaze
But in a place
Deep inside you
At my lowest moment, I realized that when I was around certain people I felt better. Like the young lady bringing me the coffee. There was something inside of me that they could bring out and I realized that if it’s inside of me I could bring it out on my own. This is when I adopted one of my favorite quotes, “Bad things happen to good people all the time. It’s a choice to be unhappy.”
I can only be what I am
Can't give more than I have
I can't breathe in this cave
There’s no escape
From the prison I’ve made
I was also beginning to learn that I can only be what I am. I could not be straight or gay, male or female, daughter or son. I was me. I was learning to love myself for who I was and not who others thought I should be. I had figured out that I was imprisoning myself. I was finding the will to fight.
I Walk On
Don’t act like you know me
Don’t even look my way
I’ve taken about all I can
Of your wicked gaze
It blows my mind to think
Again, I walked away
Taken that high road
Is getting harder every day
And take the pain
That builds inside
I pray to God you never know what it’s like
To never fit in no matter where you’ve been
Here I got Again
I walk on
The focus of my struggle began to change from learning more about me to working hard to keep my anger in check. There is a large number in society who do not care if you are gay or intersexed or any other deviation from what is considered normal. They only know that we are different and the difference scares them. Fear, ignorance and prejudice run hand in hand. I have been accused of many things in my life by people who assume they know what I’m about. “I Walk On” is about those experiences. Early on in my research and reaching out to certain Christian Counselors I was met with hostility. They called me a liar, just wanting attention or my favorite: "a prophet of satan." If you know me, you know that last one is far from the truth. By the grace of God, I just kept walking on. I didn’t know what I was walking towards but I kept walking.
Inside Out
I am standing In the darkness
Looking in at everything
I want to be
I am invited
But I’m not welcome
feel free to attend
Not as me i may offend
So, I'll wait
For something real
to come my way
“Looking Inside Out” begins with the idea of standing in a dark place. As I began to grasp who I was it became more and more obvious how much of me I was hiding from the world. I would stand in my dark place (hiding), look out and dream of a life where I could just be the person that I am. Not pretend to be what everyone thought I should be or what I perceived they wanted me to be. I wrote this song one night when I was walking my dog. I was standing in a dark yard and across the street was a very well-lit church. The congregation came out and everyone was dressed so nice and looked so happy. I wanted to be a part of that. That’s where the line comes in, “I am invited but I’m not welcome.” I knew I would be invited but I knew I would have to put forth the person that was accepted in church instead of the person that was inside of me dying to come out. So, I was invited but not welcome. I prayed and patiently waited for something real. Something that God had in store for me. If anything, I can say that God taught me to be patient. This process took years. From the time I found out I was born intersex until I finished the album was about 15 years.
How Could I
I wonder
If you made it through
You seemed to be on your way
A few years after writing “Secret to the Grave” I was sitting in my house going through some old pictures. I noticed how much I grew in a short period of time. Now I know it was due to the hormone replacement therapy and how I was born. I could see when I grew into my own as an athlete and suddenly it hit me. When my mom passed away I was on top of the world. I was playing on an elite 8 basketball team. Young men had picked me up at my parent’s house to go on dates. In my mother’s eyes the operation was a success. I was “normal.” It took several years but as I got older, I was able to see things from my mother’s perspective. I realized how incredibly hard things must have been for her and I learned to forgive her. Once I did “How Could I” was easy to write. The song is still very hard to sing but was easy to write.
Here I Am
Here I am
It’s my turn to fly
I don’t need to be approved
I don’t need a reason why
I really don’t care if you can’t see
It’s your turn to deal with me
Once I got over being angry with my mother I began to reflect on what I wanted. For the first time in 10 years I found myself wanting to get to know who I was without restrictions or labels. “Here I Am” became my battle cry. So many times, I had people tell me they did not approve of my lifestyle. I realized I didn’t need their approval and I didn’t need a reason why. I was me and I don’t care if people can’t grasp that. I’m done hiding and it’s your turn to have to deal with me. As you can see the paragraphs between songs are getting much shorter. As I healed there was less to say and I’m now to the point that I haven’t much to say at all. That leads us to the final song in the story line.
Find Your Way
Seek in faith
To find your way
You never know who will follow
It’s not all for you
A lesson learned leaves a light that burns
Someone else could use
So, find your way
“Find Your Way” is where I always wanted to be in life and the reason I’m writing this. What good does it do to go through our trials and tribulations if we don’t document them or share them with the world so others can learn? At work we have what is called "lessons learned." When an incident happens, it is shared throughout the corporation so that other facilities may learn from their mistake or unfortunate circumstance. That’s what “Find Your Way” is all about. I usually don’t get excited about lyrics I’ve written but one of my favorites is: “A lesson learned leaves a light that burns someone else could use.” We learn from those who have struggled and survived so it is our duty and responsibility to take what we’ve learned and educate others.
The End
As painful as this experience has been, at times, I can honestly say that I thank God for this gift. Now that I don’t deny me of being me I have enjoyed life as an intersexual. I am currently in a relationship with an incredible person who loves me for me and has helped me to conquer what remaining fears I had left. I feel alive and free for the first time in my life. I have my health, I have my family, I have my job, I have my friends and I still have my God. You see, I don’t believe that God makes mistakes. Therefore, he made me what I am for a reason. I may never know why but honestly; I don’t need to know. For so many years I was taught what we could not do in Christ that I never took the time to learn what I could do in Christ. I’ve learned to focus on him and not my “sins” and he has opened so many doors and opportunities. The closer to God I get does not mean more questions have been answered. Sometimes, most of the time, it means I simply don’t care to know anymore. It’s not what drives me. There is much more that I could have written about, but this is all I felt lead to share. If anyone has any questions, please ask. Don’t forget to “Find your way.”